Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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