all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
