i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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