Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
