Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
