I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
