i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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