...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
