I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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