Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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