it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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