Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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