apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
