im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
two words: eviction party
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
