This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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