I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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