I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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