i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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