I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
