The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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