I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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