Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
