the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
