come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
