Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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