Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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