How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
