i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
