I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
