dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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