if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I have demons in me.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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