her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
this hospital has no fireball
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
