Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I AM VODKA MAN
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
