once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
