Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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