You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
