i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
