I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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