listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
