I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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