Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
