Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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