my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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