my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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