my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
