Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
