Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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