I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
