okay pat passed out under dana's car
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
