went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
