i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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