I think scott just propositioned me for sex
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
