dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
