i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
