You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
