it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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