Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
