I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
